Boundaries, Presence & Personal Growth
We’re all searching for certainty these days. In fact, we’re relentless. Much like a wifi tower looks for a signal. The questions are constant. Go back to work? See extended family? Stay home and hunker down? It’s really confusing. And as a result, we are literally attempting to build trust in a new environment. But before we can build trust with our team -members, we need to take care of ourselves.
The old oxygen mask cliche–please administer your own mask before assisting others–is the ultimate self-care message. One we’ve been receiving most of our life from flight attendants. And during a global pandemic about a respiratory illness, I’d say it’s even more applicable.
As a leader, it’s your responsibility to tend to your own breathing before assisting others.
HOW TO SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES
Find a way to make your boundaries clear, remembering that during the pandemic, these lines may look brighter than they used to and vary wildly from person to person. Accept and believe everyone is doing their best. Recognize that resentment ( i.e., I can’t believe she’s messaging me at midnight, I can’t believe my director asked me to travel) is a direct result of us not setting a clear boundary. This might have been something you were “working on” in life prior to the pandemic. It won’t be easier now, but it is more important.
More Boundaries: Try removing tentative meetings from your calendar. If it’s not an absolute yes, then it’s a definite no. Remember that for most healthy, high performing people setting boundaries means saying “no” to cool fun stuff as well as meh stuff. And let’s take a quick look at the Zoom Happy Hour. Truth: This format is not nourishing for all people.
Less Boundaries: Yes, this gets a mention too. Here’s why. We’ve all got those team members who don’t like to ask for help. And now that they can’t catch you in the hallway, forget it. How can you encourage this? Specific office hours are a good idea.
Boundaries empower you to make decisions about your own life and empower others to do the same.
HOW TO BE PRESENT
Pre pandemic, most employees averaged 20 meetings a week. That average remains the same. But here’s the catch. There’s been a 40% increase in internal meetings. And this isn’t a good thing. Why? Meetings are most valuable as a forum for debate, discussion, and decision making. When used solely for information sharing and touching base, they are inefficient at best and boring at worst.
This, in addition to screen fatigue, makes life hard. So do your best to cut the meetings. And in the meantime, to avoid Zoom Resting Face, stop multi-tasking and stay engaged here are some strategies.
Set an intention for the day or for the week. Revisit and repeat it each morning and use it as a mantra when you’re tempted to disengage.
Avoid bringing your own baggage to the phone call. Fearful of sharing too much, most attendees will wear armor and share nothing at all. Set the right example by finding a sweet spot in the middle. Schedule five minutes to clear your mind and decide on that share before you log on.
Find a healthy distraction. When you’re not working or adulting, turning to Netflix or booze numbs us–and that’s when we lose compassion for ourselves and others. It’s when our anxiety turns much more quickly to anger. Have an easy, go-to activity (walk, meditation, a jump on the trampoline) that makes you feel alert and alive.
HOW TO DO SOME PERSONAL GROWTH
Leadership involves difficult conversations. Sometimes every day. And during this unprecedented time, you’ll want to be even more strategic. Non-verbal expressions have lost their power and employees’s stress makes them more sensitive. A terrible combination. If you’ve got one coming up, try this:
Consider the person: A good leader attunes their style based on the audience. When you’re a leader to everyone the same, you’re a leader to no one.
Write out the story. Our brains always want a story–beginning, middle and end. Try writing this story before a difficult conversation to get it all out. Identify what’s actually true. Identify the emotional hooks. Identify what will help move the conversation forward.
Practice: Put a piece of paper in a chair and talk to it first. Anticipate multiple responses. FInd compassion at every step. Practice getting curious instead of furious. Stay mindful. Watch your energy and strive to come from a place of positivity.
Self-care is, unfortunately, most touted as a good idea in theory and a failure in practice. Just behind honest here. So go on be the change. Set boundaries, be present and keep growing.
