Ontological Series: Part One
I’m am currently studying Ontological Coaching. Ontology is the study of being. And when you break that down, we’re talking about the language, emotions and body of a human.
We’ve all heard about a leader who has presence, right? This is a blend of well-tuned ontological factors. When the right words, the right emotional intelligence and the right physical postures come together, people notice, relationships are built, teams evolve and stuff gets done.
Today we’ll focus on language. Because language is not only a descriptor, it’s a generator. It can generate enthusiasm, frustration, confusion and more. Regardless of your role–parent, leader, partner–your language influences the experience of those your with. We’ll break down the Request, the Response, the Broken Promise, and the Unmet Expectation.
1) The Request (question)
Are your requests effective? Do they get the right response? Are promises kept? Why or why not? Are expectations met? With a request, you’re looking for action. You need help. And to make a request effective, there are requirements.
Specificity: We tend to be afraid of this. We don’t want to sound too demanding. We don’t want to demean the requestee. So we keep things nice and vague. That’s a mistake. And complaints about performance aren’t valid if you didn’t make things explicit.
Eye Contact: A request in passing doesn’t work. We all know this. Make sure they’re looking at you and they hear you.
Context: Help the requestee understand your reasons for requesting and what’s at stake. As you build relationships, your request can have shortcuts. But remember that in the beginning, you’ll need to say more.
Deadline: Deadlines are crucial–whether you’re asking someone to take the garbage out or launch a website. We all have a BOO–a background of obviousness. What’s obvious to us, isn’t to the world. Furthermore, your request will likely be heard and piled onto the 29 other requests said person received that day.
Timing: The right conversation with the wrong timing is the wrong conversation. Read that again. Consider the time of day, the stress level of your team member and the location of your request. We all know when people are ready to listen.
Follow Up: Be ready for these questions. A good requestee will ask: Who should I contact? Where are the resources? Why are you asking me to do this? Without dialogue, the chance of success goes down.
2) The Promise (response)
While I know a promise indicates something more emotional, a promise in business, is simply the agreement to do anything. There are four valid promise responses to your request:
- 1. Yes
- 2. No
- 3. A Commit to Commit (I’ll look at my schedule and get back to you)
- 4. A Counteroffer (I can do it, but not until February).
“Maybe” is not a valid response. Silence is not a valid response.
3) The Broken Promise
A promise has been broken. At this point, you take a look at your request, you look back and examine your actions. You ensure that deadlines, specificity and context were given. You ensure questions were answered. They were. So you have a right to complain.
4) The Unmet Expectation
A promise has been broken. Or so it seems. But when you look back at your request, you realize you didn’t specify the timing. You’re not sure the person actually understood what they were supposed to do. The person actually did keep their promise, but it didn’t meet your expectation. And this is no one’s fault but your own. At this point, you don’t have a right to complain. But you’re probably whining anyway.
EXAMPLE
The Request: You’d like a flight from Denver to Shanghai on Tuesday, January 25th at 11:00 AM.
The Promise: United Airlines promises to provide you a seat on an airplane from Denver to Shanghai on Tuesday, January 25th at 11:00 AM.
The Broken Promise: United Airlines tells you the flight will depart at a different time. OR United Airlines overbooks your flight and asks you to take a later one in exchange for free miles.
The Unmet Expectation: United Airlines flies you from Denver to Shanghai on Tuesday, january 25th at 11:00 AM. Except there’s an issue with the engine so the departure is delayed. You’re in the middle aisle next to a very tall person who’s infringing on your space. It’s freezing and blankets are a thing of the past. There is no food offered. The flight attendant is rude.
Now it’s time for self-reflection. Are your requests being worded properly? Are they effective? Are broken promises more frequent? Or are unmet expectations more often the case? How often do you have a valid complaint? And how often are you whining?
Remember–don’t take yourself too seriously. And keep evolving!
